Every one of us influences someone.
A parent influences a child.
A teacher influences a student.
A rabbi influences a community.
A friend influences a friend.
When should we speak?
When should we advise?
When should we simply step back?
In this week's Torah portion, the Talmud discusses how the correct amount of oil was determined for the Menorah.
One opinion says they began with a large amount of oil and gradually reduced it until they reached the exact measure.
Another opinion says they began with a small amount and gradually increased it until they reached the proper measure.
On the surface, this sounds like a technical discussion about measurements.
But in Torah, nothing is merely technical.
Kabbalah explains that these opinions reflect two different souls perspectives.
One approach comes from Chesed (Kindness).
Give more.
Love more.
Trust more.
The other approach comes from Gevurah ( limits )
Create structure.
Set boundaries.
Grow step by step.
Both are holy.
Both are true.
Some people see life through the eyes of Chesed. Others through the eyes of Gevurah.
When Aharon lit the Menorah, he was instructed to hold the flame to the wick "until the flame rises on its own."
*That is one of the most powerful definitions of education and mentorship.*
At first, you teach, you guide, you tell the child what to do.
But if years later you are still doing all the thinking, all the deciding, and all the directing, then something is missing.
The goal of education is not dependence.
The goal is independence.
Pirkei Avot does not say, "Teach many students."
It says:
*”Raise up many students."*
Raise them up so they can stand on their own feet.
The Rebbe once spoke about his teacher and did not say, "My teacher taught me."
He said:
*”My teacher stood me on my feet."*
That is a completely different definition of a teacher.
A teacher gives information.
A great teacher gives confidence.
A teacher tells you what to think.
A great teacher teaches you how to think.
A teacher creates followers.
A great teacher creates leaders.
This is true in parenting and mentorship as well.
Many people make the same mistake.
*When children are young, we give them too much freedom and when they are older, we try to control them.*
Torah teaches the opposite.
When they are young, give direction.
When they are older, give them trust.
When they are young, hold the flame.
When they are older, let the flame rise on its own.
Sometimes the highest form of love is not another lecture.
Sometimes it is silence.
Not the silence of indifference.
The silence of faith.
The faith that the flame is already there.
The faith that the values have already been planted.
The faith that now is the time to step back and watch the light shine on its own.
*Exercise of the Week:*
Think of one person in your life whom you are constantly advising, correcting, or directing.
This week, take one step back.
*Give less instruction.*
*Give more trust.*
You may discover that what they need is not another voice telling them what to do.
They may simply need someone who believes they can do it themselves.
———
Rabbi Zalman Gansburg
Chabad of Palmetto Bay